The fact that you didn’t upload the picture at work is not the mitigating detail you seem to think it is. With Christmas and New Year's coming up, we will be seeing more of her than ever. How do I gently broach the topic without hurting her feelings? So we’re considering cashing in the college fund so he can pay off his car and get started. The two of you just had a baby—not always the most exciting, sexy time in a relationship—and I’m inclined to think that if you sit on this confession for a little while, you may feel some relief over not rushing to share all of these feelings with her as they arise. By Eliel Cruz. You say she “knows something is wrong,” which suggests that she does not “love you like a brother” and has also fallen out of romantic love with you, and that she is not likely to be excited at the prospect of starting an open relationship together. I found a perfect dress six months ago. Now it's looking like 12 chapters and an epilogue. I’d never believed in soul mates, but she made me a believer. A mother-in-law believed to be from the US who wrote to The Slate's Dear Prudence to complain about a handmade gift from her daughter-in-law has been branded a 'monster' on Twitter. The catch? If one can cop to digging Airto then one can cop to being cool. On the one hand, he can figure out how to pay for college himself—lots of kids do! It didn’t occur to you to apologize to Shannon before you realized that there might be social consequences for your actions, which suggests that you are not so much sorry for what you’ve done as you are afraid of being exposed as untrustworthy, unkind, and unprofessional. The behavior you’ve described here—happily babysitting, bringing gifts for her friends’ children, asking to hold babies—is perfectly socially appropriate, and your “underlying fear”—that Elaine’s affection for children is inherently dangerous because you think it means she’s trying to kidnap them—is absolutely unjustified and unwarranted. Shannon’s picture got more attention than I anticipated and made it to a news feed for a broader audience. Dear Abby: I have a 27-year-old son, “Bobby.” He was living with me and his grandma, and two years ago he got a puppy, which I took care of, potty-trained and fed. Rather than wait to be identified, since you already know that’s likely to happen, spare Shannon the further agony of wondering who did this to her and tell HR that you’re the one who did it. You can manage your newsletter subscriptions at any time. I refuse to have him drive a car that is in my name when he has been smoking. In our 25 years together, we had a 25-year-old daughter and a 21-year-old son. Begging me to wear her dress and end the feud. The column was initiated on 20 December 1997. I’m not sure the things you want—to inform your wife you’re no longer attracted to her, nor in love with her, that you think of her as a sister, that you’d be totally cool if she decided to get a boyfriend, that you’d like to sleep with other people, and to keep from hurting her feelings—are compatible or even possible. Apparently, that was not the end of it. A: Oh, my God. We encountered an issue signing you up. I told my son that we’d in effect paid for our own present and that he needs to communicate to his wife how improper and stingy this move was. We could complete each other’s sentences and had the kind of love that I’d never felt for anyone. *** (See the end of the work for more notes.) There is absolutely no reason for him to continue doing this, and you have to take seriously the possibility that he has been getting something out of this. There are children. • Send questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. If your husband-to-be isn’t willing to help you set a boundary with his mother, if he’s not willing to see a counselor with you about this, if he’s not committed to making sure his mother doesn’t dominate your marriage like she’s dominating your wedding, then please don’t marry him. Emily Yoffe -- a.k.a. Steven told me I could wait outside and I would be let in after Julia and the baby are cleaned up and “presentable.” Meanwhile, Julia’s mother will be able to witness our grandchild coming into the world. Dear Prudence is Slate's advice column, where Danny M. Lavery responds to your questions about relationships at home, work, and beyond. For her birthday, my husband and I gave her a generous gift card to a local yarn store, for which she thanked us and seemed very pleased. I fear that a certain software billionaire may be a nut job. If the answer is "No," see Solution 1. The woman in charge seems to resent my suggestions, though I am always polite, and it has come back to me that she is bad-mouthing me whenever she can. (Questions may be edited.). You shouldn’t! Our relationship is more like two roommates who share parenting duties. Aug. 28, 2014. 1) Discontinue making any suggestions. This started as a series of Tumblr ficlets; I'll post a new letter every day for 10 days. You humiliated her because she asked to hold your baby. Please see the attached letter previously sent to Slate (but not published) as to why "empathetic" should not be used. If your son wants to move out and work and smoke pot—which, as goals go, is probably achievable—he can do so, but that doesn’t mean you have to buy him a car in order to facilitate that dream. Now you find out that he has continued doing the exact same thing for years, that your daughter has been profoundly bothered by it on multiple occasions, and that he’s been keeping this from you—and your plan is to let her take the lead on this conversation? He takes so much pride in being tall. Let this go. You feel disgust, Prudie feels regret, but you must put aside your mad-on and get back to business. Dear Prudence, follow rule #3. Join Slate Plus to continue reading, and you’ll get unlimited access to all our work—and support Slate’s independent journalism. Dear Prudence: Our nanny is gorgeous and scantily clad — am I right to be worried and ask her to cover up? He said it was OK since no one was awake yet. We’re getting close to when he wants to move out, and I really don’t want the liability of a car in my name being driven around by him or his friends with pot or paraphernalia in it.—Hard Line? Dear Prudence: Help! Other people’s children: My good friend “Elaine” can’t have children of her own. I think the better option is to figure out how you’re going to stop paying your son’s expenses once he turns 18 and set up a clear plan for turning over financial obligations like car payments. You threw the most painful reality of Elaine’s life—that she wants children, doesn’t have any, and dotes on her friends’ children to fill that void—into her face, in front of all of your friends and your daughter at a party. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. This is a heartache for me, though it is actually my daughter's problem. It’s fine if you like to give expensive presents—and can afford to do so—but that’s not the only way to show someone that you care. This is not about you. None of them think she’s weird, and when I’ve tried to talk about it with them, they’ve hinted that I’m being unkind. I love her and I want to be happy, and even though I’m no longer attracted to her, I want us to continue to be a family. There would be no reason to compare the two if you hadn’t insisted on doing so in the first place. My husband's business requires us to entertain at home quite a bit. A: Apologize to her. You will get to be in your grandchild’s life for as long as you live. Seriously, how hard is it to either screenshot or copy paste and leave the link. Now it's looking like 12 chapters and an epilogue. Get More Prudie! Your daughter-in-law is giving birth, which is a pretty difficult, painful, and intimate process. I own neither BBC "Sherlock" nor the "Dear Prudence" advice column. Over time, one of those became more serious, to the point where we have been dating for almost a year and are now essentially exclusive. I am disgusted and wonder what you think of this. Your discomfort with her sadness is clear and palpable in this letter, and I don’t think your comment was “casual” at all, or that Elaine took it too seriously. That’s your job. All rights reserved. I’m worried you’ll run off with her.” Elaine was embarrassed, at least, and left the party with her husband shortly afterward. As a mother herself, Prudie hopes you can disengage on a gut level from your daughter's difficult situation and that you can achieve some peace of mind knowing that adults get to make their own decisions about their lives. If you reread your letter, I think you must be aware on some level that you are not on the verge of breaking news of some cool, exciting new opportunity to your wife. He wants to call me her name and for me to wear a very particular kind of clothing she wears. You are experienced, and I am assuming you have a thought-out opinion on this type of situation. Sign up for the Dear Prudence mailing list to receive notifications of new columns and chats. The one thing I can’t force myself to do is feel that badly. I figured that would be the end of it and that she would give it to one of her daughters. It seems that only psychologists know that the word is "empathically," not "empathetically," as used in David Edelstein's review of Unmade Beds. A: This is not a situation where you need much of a strategy beyond “acknowledging reality.” Talk to your boyfriend. Dear Prudence, I am 40 years old and until recently a single father. Everything has been going wonderfully, the only snag in the whole proceedings has been the wedding dress. My fiancé’s mother found the perfect dress for me as well: her old one that she got married in. I own neither BBC "Sherlock" nor the "Dear Prudence" advice column. He is 17, is about to graduate high school, and likes to smoke pot, which is illegal in my state. Be a shoulder for your daughter, and let's hope she decides the best course for herself and the children. Oct. 24, 2014. Always bragging to our friends and acquaintances, commenting how he won’t fit in that car, asking if I need help getting something off the top shelf. By Zak Cheney-Rice. Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. Writing her a letter to express “sadness” that her own parents didn’t teach her proper etiquette would be wildly inappropriate, out of line, and an unnecessary nuclear option. I reminded him that our daughter gets up very early and asked him to please get at least partially dressed in the bathroom. Wedding dress feud: I am getting married in a just a few short months. Q. My husband wants me to dress up during sex — as a woman we both know. Instead, I want to ask her if I can open the relationship. Alas, people helping in the house are always in a position to carry tales outside. Help! If someone gives you a present you don’t like, you smile and say, “Thanks, how thoughtful,” and then stash it in the back of your closet. My daughter is torn about whether to cut the creep loose or to hope against hope that he will change. Slate Plus members get extra questions, Prudie Uncensored with Nicole Cliffe, and full-length podcast episodes every week. David is 5 feet, 8 inches tall. *** (See the end of the work for more notes.) He has been through a teen-intervention course for having pot and paraphernalia in his vehicle (teen court, tour of the jail, the works), and we thought that would scare him, but once he met his community service requirements, he started smoking again. Dear Prudence, I am 40 years old and until recently a single father. Emily Yoffe -- a.k.a. She has every right to plan ahead for just how many people she wants to be in the room for that. I am at my wits’ end. Please indicate how you wish your letter to be signed, preferably including your location. Good luck, and just remember this: Using caterers may have a few attendant problems, but it beats cooking. to save up for an apartment to smoke weed in. What do I say the next time I see Elaine? Now he’s attempting to stick his height into every conversation. Not so. Your daughter-in-law and your son are drawing a totally appropriate boundary, and you need to stop trying to argue with them about it. He’s compassionate, attractive, and a bombshell in bed. Imagine my dismay, however, when six months later for our anniversary she gifted us with a lovely bedspread, which she told me she made with yarn purchased from the gift card! I just noticed that you used the word "empathetic." Thanks for signing up! You took a picture of your co-worker at the office without her knowledge or consent and posted it online for a group of strangers to tear down her appearance. For years, he got dressed in the bathroom. He wants to move out and live on his own when he is 18—he says his goals are to just “work and smoke pot.”. You’ve known for at least two years that he has a habit of wandering through the house naked early in the morning. Shannon’s friends are on the warpath and are pushing her to go to HR. I’ve felt nothing but heartache since learning I would be banned from the delivery room. Prudie agrees with the late and witty Mo Udall, who said, in another context, "That condition can be cured only with embalming fluid." I see marriage in our future, as we’re both almost 40—but this needs to be settled first. And now, 20 years after I predicted it, I notice that some dictionaries offer "reluctant" as a meaning for "reticent." You did not do something stupid and insensitive, you intentionally (and, it seems, persistently) participated in a cruel game whose sole aim and focus is to make fun of fat people when you think they can’t hear or see you. The fact that people said mean things about Shannon was not an unforeseeable accident, it was the logical conclusion of the actions you took. Dear Prudence is an advice column appearing several times weekly in the online magazine Slate and syndicated to over 200 newspapers. Share / Oct 17, 2012 at 1:35 PM. Despite my letter I see that Slate has let that word slip through again. Now I’m worried I might have ruined my personal and professional life. His company (which pays the bills) uses a particular caterer with whom I do not get along. Whether she got the yarn with the gift card you gave her or spent her own money is beside the point; you’re acting as if she re-gifted something when that clearly wasn’t the case. 2) Ask the appropriate person in your husband's company if you might have the leeway of choosing your own caterer. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. My husband wants me to drop the whole thing and pretend like it never happened. When the doctor read off his height I thought I saw his eyes start to swell up. I’ve always been close to my son, but I no longer feel valued. You received a thoughtful gift that cost more time than money. I've seen many articles and stuff taken down because it is a link. But to be pragmatic, here are your options. My husband wants me to dress up during sex — as a woman we both know. Send me updates about Slate special offers. Slate relies on advertising to support our journalism. Dear Prudence, I’m a 28-year-old woman in a healthy, long-term relationship with a man I love dearly. Long ago, he helped produce this show. She is also Slate's Human Guinea Pig, a contributor to the XX Factor blog, and the author of What the Dog Did: Tales From a Formerly Reluctant Dog Owner. That doesn’t mean you two can’t have serious conversations about your goals and your feelings, merely that you don’t have to share every single impulse that’s currently floating around in your head. I cannot bring myself to speak to Julia. Viral 'Dear Prudence' Letter Reveals the Single Worst Person of Halloween 2014. A: Oh, dear. The column was initiated on 20 December 1997. Dear Prudence,I’m in a pickle, or rather my son is. I just learned that my daughter has seen him naked multiple times, including when he yelled out for her not to look and then walked out of the bathroom to grab a towel from the linen closet. Our Shows. All contents © 2020 The Slate Group LLC. I say this in the hopes that, after the initial flush of indignation fades, you will be braced and supported by the realization that you have been acting badly and that you need to change. Even if you don’t like knitwear, your daughter-in-law spent countless hours over the course of a half-year working on something very detailed for you, and you say yourself it was a lovely bedspread. My husband gets up early in the morning. I'm wondering if your mother is the kind of person who is chronically unhappy with her current circumstances. The one who has my dander up--pardon the animal metaphor--is a man named David Duffield from my hometown, San Francisco. She’s planning to confront him the next time she goes to her psychologist, but is there anything else I should do in the meantime or afterward?—My Husband Forgets We Have Kids in the House. It’s difficult to admit when one’s been wrong, but there’s nothing quite so clarifying as figuring out how to do better. I’m being treated like a second-class grandmother even though I’ve never been anything but supportive and helpful. He agreed, but I caught him a few weeks later still walking around naked. History Herbert Stein. You don’t ask your kid to complain to the gift-giver via backchannel. Any solutions? Dear Prudence sets the record straight for the wife of a future law student when it comes to student debt and entry-level jobs. Other times, I think the comment spoke to an underlying fear I have that Elaine’s interest in other people’s children is dangerous. I Only Get Angry on Rare Occasions, but When I Do, It’s Really Bad. History Herbert Stein. Share. Prudie, I don’t like the idea of moving on as if nothing happened.—The Gift We Gave Ourselves. D/A D/C D/B D/Bb D/A D/C D/B D/Bb Dear Prudence, open up your eyes D/A D/C D/B D/Bb D/A D/C D/B D/Bb Dear Prudence, see the sunny skies D/A D/C D/B D/Bb The wind is low, the birds will sing that you are part of everything D D/C C G D Dsus4 D5 Dsus4 Dear Prudence won't you open up you Slate has unearthed … While Prudie knows that animal lovers are a fiercely loyal lot (and vociferous too), there is no recourse from these monetary gifts to fur-bearing recipients. Q. I’ve tried to reason with Steven, but he seems to be afraid of angering Julia and will not help. How can I get them to see how unfair and cruel their decision is? Recently, Elaine greeted us at a party and asked if she could hold Alexandra. This … Do not allow him to put you off again. Additionally, through some kind of family osmosis, children pick up that a parent is a philanderer, and this, in turn, gives an unspoken OK to such behavior. All contents © I don’t want a divorce. —Prudie editors. Dear Prudence, I was raised by liberal parents in a small conservative city. Do not rob this moment of its joy by keeping score and demanding more. Q. Boyfriend believes he’s 6 feet tall: I met my boyfriend, David, on Tinder five months ago, and it was a match made in heaven. I love my wife, and I adore our baby girl, but while I love my wife, I’m not “in love” with her anymore, and I’m no longer attracted to her physically. By joining Slate Plus you support our work and get exclusive content. He has pledged $200 million for homeless dogs and cats. Daniel Mallory Ortberg and Nicole Cliffe will return next week to discuss a letter—only for Slate Plus members. Anyone who thinks a podcast should be whittled down to the bare essentials is … Dear Prudence, On a scale of 1 to 10, my problem is maybe a 1.5, but it's a problem nonetheless. On the other hand, I feel like a crap parent for making it hard on him, and I don’t want illegal drugs in my home. It was very ugly and more than one person is suing for wrongful termination. This online community doesn’t exist to “discuss the obese people in [y]our lives,” it exists to spy on, record, and mock them. I didn’t say anything mean about Shannon when I posted the photo, but others did.—Nosy Co-worker. Slate's advice columnist Dear Prudence, offers advice on manners, morals and more. A mother-in-law believed to be from the US who wrote to The Slate's Dear Prudence to complain about a handmade gift from her daughter-in-law has been branded a 'monster' on Twitter. Dear Prudence: I was a virgin and now I’m a stud, but should I … My Son Keeps Stealing My Flavored Condoms. She is also Slate's Human Guinea Pig, a contributor to the XX Factor blog, and the author of What the Dog Did: Tales From a Formerly Reluctant Dog Owner. It is likely that you and your daughter have discussed this, but the next time it comes up you might point out that tomcat habits are not likely to change and, further, that children are not benefited by having tense and angry parents. Slate Plus members get ad-free podcasts and bonus episodes of shows like Dear Prudence and Slow Burn. Dear Prudence, My daughter-in-law enjoys knitting and crocheting. Julia has decided only Steven and her mother will be allowed in the delivery room when she gives birth. Read Prudie's recent chats and visit her old archives. We apologize, but this video has failed to load. 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