: : Well, that leaves him, uh $8.00. Hello. : : Fiorello Otis B. Driftwood You're fired! Fiorello [Driftwood's dinner companion giggles out loud] Mrs. Claypool
Fiorello [finds Driftwood, Fiorello, Tomasso and Ricardo lounging in his office] However, out of that $3.00, you know, he'll have to pay an income tax. What do you mean, no dinner? : Fiorello :
| Ship Captain We didn't get home 'til around 4:00 in the morning. : You don't know who it is, do you? Go fast. Fiorello Otis B. Driftwood Yes, and your ice isn't cold enough either. Well, that's why I didn't hear anything. :
: Otis B. Driftwood
I haven't heard anything yet. I've had three of the best doctors in the East. Otis B. Driftwood : Otis B. Driftwood Fiorello Of course, that's why I'm sitting here with you. That's pretty neat, eh? Fiorello : I say, they're duplicates. Herbert Gottlieb Fiorello : I'm practically a hermit. : And one duck egg.
Well, things seem to be getting better around the country. Fiorello Plenty of room. : Otis B. Driftwood [gets up from his chair, concerned] Now what do we got left? Otis B. Driftwood What's the matter with it? Mrs. Claypool : All right, I'll read it to you. Otis B. Driftwood I have arranged for you to invest $200,000 in the New York Opera Company.
: : Oh sure, is a duplicate. $8.00, eh?
Fiorello Ship Captain : Herbert Gottlieb Will you page Mr. Otis B. Driftwood, please? Don't worry. : : If you lose a leg, we'll help you look for it. Well, it sounds a little better this time. Fiorello With two hard-boiled eggs.
They'll believe you when you start talking. : Otis B. Driftwood Because she reminded me of you.
Otis B. Driftwood I say, stew. Ship's Steward : Listen, Gottlieb, nix on the love making. Otis B. Driftwood : : Fiorello Otis B. Driftwood : : Fiorello It says the, uh"The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part.". Well, I haven't had any complaints yet. Just you put your name right down there, and the deal is legal. Fiorello There's no need of you reading that, because these are duplicates. : : Well, there's one consolation: nothing more can happen to me. [from inside the cabin room] Steward If Mrs. Claypool wants to marry a fortune hunter, she's always got me. : Speak to me, it's me, it's Gottlieb! : Herbert Gottlieb Could he sail tomorrow? The day you boys came into my life, I had a good job and was about to marry a rich widow. Fiorello Waiter All right, fine. What does this mean? Otis B. Driftwood : Yeah, duplicates. Otis B. Driftwood Did you get anything for it? Otis B. Driftwood Uh, have you got any stewed prunes? [Driftwood opens a drawer in his trunk to find Tomasso sleeping]. Fiorello And two hard-boiled eggs. : : First, you get me kicked out of my job, then you get me thrown out of my hotel, and finally you push me off a park bench. Fiorello Do you mind if I? If she figures that one out, she's good. Well, then you won't need the ten cents I was gonna give you. Otis B. Driftwood : Herbert Gottlieb [Tomasso repeatedly honks his horn, imitating the Morse code]. Do you rhumba? Otis B. Driftwood I'm entitled to a small profit Otis B. Driftwood Would you like to hear it once more? On account of you I almost heard the opera. Make that three hard-boiled eggs. Now if you'll all follow me, I'll take you to their cabin; and if they're still in it, very few of us will come out alive.
Fiorello : You can chop your way right through. Otis B. Driftwood [to carriage driver] I'll take two beers, too. Do they allow tipping on the boat? You know that America is waiting to hear him sing? : Otis B. Driftwood I'd give you my seat, but I'm sitting here. [to Tomasso] Otis B. Driftwood [attempting to sell insurance to a ship porter] Okay, Gottlieb, it's your turn. Mrs. Claypool Like a prince. : : : Otis B. Driftwood Otis B. Driftwood How much does this come to? You see that spaghetti? Otis B. Driftwood [talking about "the greatest tenor in the world"] : Three greatest aviators, but you notice they're traveling by boat. [Gottlieb wakes up Lassparri, who is unconscious] Otis B. Driftwood : : Otis B. Driftwood Fiorello Otis B. Driftwood
: : Fiorello : Otis B. Driftwood
That woman? Have you got any milk-fed chickens? Otis B. Driftwood : : : How do you like that? : Have you got two fives? No, he has not. I'm very grateful they're not on board the boat. Yes. : Otis B. Driftwood I can read, but I can't see it. : Fiorello Mrs. Claypool Otis B. Driftwood Mrs. Claypool Well, look, uh rather than go through all that again, what do you say? : Mrs. Claypool Herbert Gottlieb : Otis B. Driftwood Well, you should have come to the first party.
I vant to be alone! Fiorello Otis B. Driftwood Otis B. Driftwood Fiorello Rosa! Otis B. Driftwood What's the matter, mister? It's too late to dine now. : : : : : : And steward, rush that along, because the faster it comes, the faster this convention will be over. : Otis B. Driftwood You'll be a patron of the opera! It's about time! Otis B. Driftwood : Just me and my memories. Really? Well, that leaves $3.00. Sure, those five kids up in Canada. Henderson
: Well, it grows on you. Fiorello Two's company, five's a crowd. : Otis B. Driftwood : Fiorello : : Fiorello Now, what have you got to say to me? You know I had a premonition you were going to show up. Fiorello Otis B. Driftwood Otis B. Driftwood I don't know. Well, I've got about a foot-and-a-half. Otis B. Driftwood
When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. This is an outrage. : You wouldn't want me to sleep with the sheep, would you? Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor. Get out! : Herbert Gottlieb Fiorello Fiorello : You just put his name at the top and, uh, you sign his name at the bottom. Otis B. Driftwood Fiorello Now which question do you want me to answer first, Henderson? : Otis B. Driftwood Otis B. Driftwood : There ain't no Sanity Claus! And I get 10 percent too. It's a funny thing, it just slipped my mind. That shows a nice spirit. What have we got for dinner? That will bring him to.
Henderson Waiter When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay. : : Well, squeeze the milk out of one and bring me a glass. And this one too! Fiorello It's all right, that's in every contract. Yeah, it was taking up too much room, so we sold it. Otis B. Driftwood Otis B. Driftwood That sounds a little better this time. :
Otis B. Driftwood Well, there's plenty of room. Otis B. Driftwood Mr. Driftwood! He's no olive. Last night, I counted five thousand sheep in those three beds, so I had to have another bed to sleep in. His father was the first man to stuff spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda, thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time. I was blind for three days! [holds the contract close to his face] I am sure the familiar strains of Verdi's music will come back to you tonight, and Mrs. Claypool's checks will probably come back in the morning. Otis B. Driftwood Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing. : Well, that's fine. :
: : Mrs. Claypool Mrs. Claypool Manicurist Mrs. Claypool Yes. Bellboy : But, the extra million is never interfered with my feelings for her. We'll take it right out, eh?
Yes, ma'am? : Say, I just remembered, I came back here looking for somebody. I give this to Riccardo. Otis B. Driftwood : [upon seeing a cast member made up to appear hideously ugly]. Otis B. Driftwood Otis B. Driftwood Mrs. Claypool All right, but remember, I get 10 percent for negotiating the deal. : [Driftwood agrees to read the contract to Fiorello]. Oh, yes sir! Otis B. Driftwood [chuckles as Driftwood and Fiorello tear off part of the contract] Well, you should have come to the first party. : : [Fiorello starts to read his copy of the contract] Otis B. Driftwood : [Driftwood's dinner companion giggles out loud], [Driftwood gets up and looks about the dining room], [attempting to sell insurance to a ship porter], [Fiorello starts to read his copy of the contract], [holds the contract further away from his face], [chuckles as Driftwood and Fiorello tear off part of the contract], [beginning a speech disguised as one of the aviators], [Driftwood, Fiorello, Tomasso and Ricardo are sitting on a park bench; Fiorello pushes Driftwood off the bench], [Driftwood tries to drink from a water fountain, only to have the water shrink away at low pressure], [Gottlieb wakes up Lassparri, who is unconscious], [Tomasso unties a sandbag, which drops on Lassparri's head and knocks him unconscious]. : Otis B. Driftwood Mrs. Claypool, you're as charming as you are beautiful. And you better make is sound plausible; because, incredible as it may seem, Mrs. Claypool isn't as big a sap as she looks. Otis B. Driftwood Fiorello [takes the pen back] Otis B. Driftwood Well. : : Boy, would you do me a favor and stop yelling my name all over this restaurant? : Manicurist [Driftwood and Fiorello each tear out another section of the contract]. All right, all right, all right! Yes, with your back to me. Herbert Gottlieb Otis B. Driftwood :
I'm not interested in your private life, Henderson. And two hard-boiled eggs. : You say anything? Suppose they don't believe me? Otis B. Driftwood
Fiorello : : [at the opera] Well, go on and read it. Otis B. Driftwood :
: : Your eyes, your throat, your lips! I no like-a the second party, either. If I were you I wouldn't pay it. Well, go ahead and read it. Is this the opera house? : : : : Fiorello : Fiorello Otis B. Driftwood All of New York will be under your feet! Otis B. Driftwood Ah, smelling salts?
: Mrs. Claypool Ship's Steward It's getting pretty crowded in here. Well stop following me or I'll have you arrested! : I can't pronounce it. Otis B. Driftwood : Why, have they slipped off?
Are you sure you have everything, Otis? Boogie, boogie, boogie.
Fiorello [finds Driftwood, Fiorello, Tomasso and Ricardo lounging in his office] However, out of that $3.00, you know, he'll have to pay an income tax. What do you mean, no dinner? : Fiorello :
| Ship Captain We didn't get home 'til around 4:00 in the morning. : You don't know who it is, do you? Go fast. Fiorello Otis B. Driftwood Yes, and your ice isn't cold enough either. Well, that's why I didn't hear anything. :
: Otis B. Driftwood I haven't heard anything yet. I've had three of the best doctors in the East. Otis B. Driftwood : Otis B. Driftwood Fiorello Of course, that's why I'm sitting here with you. That's pretty neat, eh? Fiorello : I say, they're duplicates. Herbert Gottlieb Fiorello : I'm practically a hermit. : And one duck egg.
Well, things seem to be getting better around the country. Fiorello Plenty of room. : Otis B. Driftwood [gets up from his chair, concerned] Now what do we got left? Otis B. Driftwood What's the matter with it? Mrs. Claypool : All right, I'll read it to you. Otis B. Driftwood I have arranged for you to invest $200,000 in the New York Opera Company.
: : Oh sure, is a duplicate. $8.00, eh?
Fiorello Ship Captain : Herbert Gottlieb Will you page Mr. Otis B. Driftwood, please? Don't worry. : : If you lose a leg, we'll help you look for it. Well, it sounds a little better this time. Fiorello With two hard-boiled eggs.
They'll believe you when you start talking. : Otis B. Driftwood Because she reminded me of you.
Otis B. Driftwood I say, stew. Ship's Steward : Listen, Gottlieb, nix on the love making. Otis B. Driftwood : : Fiorello Otis B. Driftwood : : Fiorello It says the, uh"The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part.". Well, I haven't had any complaints yet. Just you put your name right down there, and the deal is legal. Fiorello There's no need of you reading that, because these are duplicates. : : Well, there's one consolation: nothing more can happen to me. [from inside the cabin room] Steward If Mrs. Claypool wants to marry a fortune hunter, she's always got me. : Speak to me, it's me, it's Gottlieb! : Herbert Gottlieb Could he sail tomorrow? The day you boys came into my life, I had a good job and was about to marry a rich widow. Fiorello Waiter All right, fine. What does this mean? Otis B. Driftwood : Yeah, duplicates. Otis B. Driftwood Did you get anything for it? Otis B. Driftwood Uh, have you got any stewed prunes? [Driftwood opens a drawer in his trunk to find Tomasso sleeping]. Fiorello And two hard-boiled eggs. : : First, you get me kicked out of my job, then you get me thrown out of my hotel, and finally you push me off a park bench. Fiorello Do you mind if I? If she figures that one out, she's good. Well, then you won't need the ten cents I was gonna give you. Otis B. Driftwood : Herbert Gottlieb [Tomasso repeatedly honks his horn, imitating the Morse code]. Do you rhumba? Otis B. Driftwood I'm entitled to a small profit Otis B. Driftwood Would you like to hear it once more? On account of you I almost heard the opera. Make that three hard-boiled eggs. Now if you'll all follow me, I'll take you to their cabin; and if they're still in it, very few of us will come out alive.
Fiorello : You can chop your way right through. Otis B. Driftwood [to carriage driver] I'll take two beers, too. Do they allow tipping on the boat? You know that America is waiting to hear him sing? : Otis B. Driftwood I'd give you my seat, but I'm sitting here. [to Tomasso] Otis B. Driftwood [attempting to sell insurance to a ship porter] Okay, Gottlieb, it's your turn. Mrs. Claypool Like a prince. : : : Otis B. Driftwood Otis B. Driftwood How much does this come to? You see that spaghetti? Otis B. Driftwood [talking about "the greatest tenor in the world"] : Three greatest aviators, but you notice they're traveling by boat. [Gottlieb wakes up Lassparri, who is unconscious] Otis B. Driftwood : : Otis B. Driftwood Fiorello Otis B. Driftwood
: : Fiorello : Otis B. Driftwood
That woman? Have you got any milk-fed chickens? Otis B. Driftwood : : : How do you like that? : Have you got two fives? No, he has not. I'm very grateful they're not on board the boat. Yes. : Otis B. Driftwood I can read, but I can't see it. : Fiorello Mrs. Claypool Otis B. Driftwood Mrs. Claypool Well, look, uh rather than go through all that again, what do you say? : Mrs. Claypool Herbert Gottlieb : Otis B. Driftwood Well, you should have come to the first party.
I vant to be alone! Fiorello Otis B. Driftwood Otis B. Driftwood Fiorello Rosa! Otis B. Driftwood What's the matter, mister? It's too late to dine now. : : : : : : And steward, rush that along, because the faster it comes, the faster this convention will be over. : Otis B. Driftwood You'll be a patron of the opera! It's about time! Otis B. Driftwood : Just me and my memories. Really? Well, that leaves $3.00. Sure, those five kids up in Canada. Henderson
: Well, it grows on you. Fiorello Two's company, five's a crowd. : Otis B. Driftwood : Fiorello : : Fiorello Now, what have you got to say to me? You know I had a premonition you were going to show up. Fiorello Otis B. Driftwood Otis B. Driftwood I don't know. Well, I've got about a foot-and-a-half. Otis B. Driftwood When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. This is an outrage. : You wouldn't want me to sleep with the sheep, would you? Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor. Get out! : Herbert Gottlieb Fiorello Fiorello : You just put his name at the top and, uh, you sign his name at the bottom. Otis B. Driftwood Fiorello Now which question do you want me to answer first, Henderson? : Otis B. Driftwood Otis B. Driftwood : There ain't no Sanity Claus! And I get 10 percent too. It's a funny thing, it just slipped my mind. That shows a nice spirit. What have we got for dinner? That will bring him to.
Henderson Waiter When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay. : : Well, squeeze the milk out of one and bring me a glass. And this one too! Fiorello It's all right, that's in every contract. Yeah, it was taking up too much room, so we sold it. Otis B. Driftwood Otis B. Driftwood That sounds a little better this time. :
Otis B. Driftwood Well, there's plenty of room. Otis B. Driftwood Mr. Driftwood! He's no olive. Last night, I counted five thousand sheep in those three beds, so I had to have another bed to sleep in. His father was the first man to stuff spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda, thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time. I was blind for three days! [holds the contract close to his face] I am sure the familiar strains of Verdi's music will come back to you tonight, and Mrs. Claypool's checks will probably come back in the morning. Otis B. Driftwood Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing. : Well, that's fine. :
: : Mrs. Claypool Mrs. Claypool Manicurist Mrs. Claypool Yes. Bellboy : But, the extra million is never interfered with my feelings for her. We'll take it right out, eh?
Yes, ma'am? : Say, I just remembered, I came back here looking for somebody. I give this to Riccardo. Otis B. Driftwood : [upon seeing a cast member made up to appear hideously ugly]. Otis B. Driftwood Otis B. Driftwood Mrs. Claypool All right, but remember, I get 10 percent for negotiating the deal. : [Driftwood agrees to read the contract to Fiorello]. Oh, yes sir! Otis B. Driftwood [chuckles as Driftwood and Fiorello tear off part of the contract] Well, you should have come to the first party. : : [Fiorello starts to read his copy of the contract] Otis B. Driftwood : [Driftwood's dinner companion giggles out loud], [Driftwood gets up and looks about the dining room], [attempting to sell insurance to a ship porter], [Fiorello starts to read his copy of the contract], [holds the contract further away from his face], [chuckles as Driftwood and Fiorello tear off part of the contract], [beginning a speech disguised as one of the aviators], [Driftwood, Fiorello, Tomasso and Ricardo are sitting on a park bench; Fiorello pushes Driftwood off the bench], [Driftwood tries to drink from a water fountain, only to have the water shrink away at low pressure], [Gottlieb wakes up Lassparri, who is unconscious], [Tomasso unties a sandbag, which drops on Lassparri's head and knocks him unconscious]. : Otis B. Driftwood Mrs. Claypool, you're as charming as you are beautiful. And you better make is sound plausible; because, incredible as it may seem, Mrs. Claypool isn't as big a sap as she looks. Otis B. Driftwood Fiorello [takes the pen back] Otis B. Driftwood Well. : : Boy, would you do me a favor and stop yelling my name all over this restaurant? : Manicurist [Driftwood and Fiorello each tear out another section of the contract]. All right, all right, all right! Yes, with your back to me. Herbert Gottlieb Otis B. Driftwood :
I'm not interested in your private life, Henderson. And two hard-boiled eggs. : You say anything? Suppose they don't believe me? Otis B. Driftwood Fiorello : : [at the opera] Well, go on and read it. Otis B. Driftwood :
: : Your eyes, your throat, your lips! I no like-a the second party, either. If I were you I wouldn't pay it. Well, go ahead and read it. Is this the opera house? : : : : Fiorello : Fiorello Otis B. Driftwood All of New York will be under your feet! Otis B. Driftwood Ah, smelling salts?
: Mrs. Claypool Ship's Steward It's getting pretty crowded in here. Well stop following me or I'll have you arrested! : I can't pronounce it. Otis B. Driftwood : Why, have they slipped off?
Are you sure you have everything, Otis? Boogie, boogie, boogie.